Lenten Goals

Ash Wednesday is just 2 days away, y'all, and I am so not ready!  Since my job is running the office in a Catholic Church, this is the BUSY season for me!  Most people assume it's Christmas, which is also very full, but Easter is the Main Event, and the various goings on of Holy Week require a lot of planning & preparation on my part.

Additionally, I'm preparing for this Holy season in my personal life.  I am working on exactly how/what I want to explain to A, since he's only 4 and some aspects of the Easter story a bit too over his head.  And, I'm planning my own Lenten goals, to develop my faith & deepen my relationship with God: I'm going to do an extended Novena for my situation, and I'm going to give up worrying for Lent!

Matthew 6:34 has always been one of my favorite bible verses:"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day had enough trouble of its own."  I've had an anxious soul since the day I was born.  Like, no joke, I can remember worrying when I was in elementary school about how I would pay a mortgage when I grew up!  I worry about smaller things, too, every day, and I get quite anxious about stuff if I can't stop the worry in its tracks.  I even get physically ill whenever I'm mentally/emotionally sick - I sometimes get headaches, and I almost always get nauseated & throw up.  My mother used to always tell me to "let go and let God" and I swear I tried... but I just always found myself taking stuff back from Him, to worry over it some more.

My struggles with worry & anxiety have only gotten worse over these last few months, as I find myself waking up everyday to fear of the unknown, worry about the future, and anxiety over the situation I find myself in.  I've been nauseated almost daily, and I've had 3 complex migraine episodes (which are usually few & far between, thank God).  As I've mentioned before, I've been praying a LOT, asking God for peace & patience, and it does help a bit... but I still find myself getting panicky more often than I would prefer.

In my internet searching for resources to help me navigate my current difficulties, I stumbled across this article about giving up worry for Lent.  At first, I was like, "yeah right!  How can I give up an intangible thing like that, something that is so ingrained in who I am?"  But as I read the article, I realized it's not necessarily giving up worry, but rather focusing on things I can control & on the current moment, and letting God handle the unknown.  I might still get a little stressed over how Aidan's friends are interacting with him at daycare today, or spend more than a few minutes wondering how I'm going to pay the bills due this week... but I'm going to try very, very hard not to let anxiety about my unknown future and what might be coming down the pike get me to the panicky point where I so frequently find myself.

Baby Steps

I pretty much did a whole bunch of nothing this weekend... well, except laundry.  I helped my mom with hers & did my own, which amounted to about 5 loads, so at least I feel semi-productive there.  And I crocheted a lot, too ;)  But, as far as getting out & exercising, I didn't exactly rise to the occasion...

I downloaded an app on my phone to track my walking/jogging, so I can record my sessions and keep up with my goals.  I'm currently aiming to get out 3 times per week, for at least 30 minutes each time.  Ideally, I'd like to work on my time & distance, too, by training for a 5k, but first things first - it's been quite a while since I've been in a steady exercise routine, so I'm taking baby steps.

I also charged my FitBit, so I can get back in the habit of wearing it every day.  I've always worn it daily, using it to track my food (monitoring my carbs:protein ratio, not so much calories) & water and setting reminders to take a walking break every hour at work.  The battery died & needed to be charged, so I set it on my nightstand... then completely forgot about it.  I didn't realize exactly how long it had been, until I charged it last night & checked my app - the last time I wore it was December 29th!  How can that be?!?  Oh my, I've gotten quite lazy while I've been dealing with this situation I'm in... 

Starting today, I'm wearing my FitBit again, so hopefully that will help me to at least stay more active.  I've noticed I've been gaining weight throughout these few months, with my emotional eating & my depressed days finding me in my pajamas on the couch.  I'm not quite ready to be as strict as I was, with my very limited diet and such, because a girl's gotta have something to comfort her, right?  But I hope getting more exercise again will at least help.  I know I probably won't lose weight, but maybe it will curb the gaining ;)

I Made a Good Choice!

Whenever my 4 year old son does something good, he proudly tells me, "I made a good choice!"  Our discipline model revolves largely around the concept of making good choices vs. bad choices, so it's extra sweet to hear him use those ideas in his own practices :)

That's how I felt today.  I worked my regular 8 hour shift at the church, but I'm also scheduled to serve in the Childcare Ministry tonight.  So, rather than rush home just to rush right back, I'm just hanging out at work.  Motivated by the GORGEOUS weather (seriously, 77* in February?  I'll ignore the worry about global warming while I enjoy myself...), and by that mexican pizza I had for lunch, I decided to use half an hour of my time to go for a walk.  It's quite obvious that I'm nowhere near where I used to be!  Let's not play games, I was certainly never a real runner.  But, I was able to hold my own at a mild jogging pace.  Today... well, let's just say it was a nice day for a stroll ;)  But hey, it's better than nothing, and it's a starting point!

One thing I really enjoy about walking outside: I don't listen to music, like most people do (I want to be able to hear my surroundings, for cars or other people).  Instead, I use the time to talk to God.  I pray or sing gospel music, sometimes I just count out my 4-step pattern by repeating "father, son, holy spirit."  It keeps me going, keeps me focused, and it's a great opportunity for some quiet time with God.  I had a very, very rough day today, emotionally - I struggled to process some heavy emotions, and to keep my shit together at work.  So this private time with God was doubly helpful... I'm really hoping my day ends better than it began, now that I've had time to process and pray.

Praying for Patience

Yes, I did just post a quote from "Twilight."  And no, I'm not sorry - those books may be an embarrassing stain on the otherwise awesome genre of Young Adult Fiction, but this particular quote is 100% accurate for my current situation.  I feel like I'm at a junction, with too many potential paths laid out in front of me, and I am at a loss for figuring out which I should take.  There are pros & cons to each choice, with potentially life-shattering consequences for not just me, but my kids and my family, too.  And, since I am currently SUPER overwhelmed with the anxiety, stress, guilt, fear, etc that accompany this choice, the only thing I can do is wait - give it time for things to calm down a bit, so I can see the issue more clearly and address it with a logical, open mind.

The thing is?  I've never been great at waiting.  I have no patience, and I struggle to keep calm when I can't instantly do what I want/need to do.  This applies to little things, like asking my son to put his shoes on (though, to be fair, I always work VERY hard to pretend to be patient, so that I don't hurt his feelings or his outlook on life), to bigger things, like rushing to get engaged, then get married, then have kids - I'm the kind of person who is always looking forward to the next thing, making plans, deciding the future right now & sticking to that choice.  Being in this place of not-knowing is REALLY hard for me!  The lack of control freaks me out a LOT, makes me anxious and scared.  I want to move forward, take the next step, get stuff done... but I can't.

I'm really, really trying to worry less and to focus on the present: what can I do today to help make this choice later?  I'm spending my energy on enjoying my days with my sons, and on strengthening my relationship with God, and on trying to let life come to me, so to speak.  I pray (a LOT.  Like, every hour, it seems) for guidance, and wisdom, and peace... but mostly for patience:

Dear God,

I pray for patience.

Please send to me

the spirit of Your peace.

Please give me a strength

to live my life.

Amen.

Trying to Start This Again

It's been a looong while since I tried my hand at blogging, and while I really did enjoy it, I just let it fall to the wayside as other things took up my time - mommying, work, family stuff, church... there's always been a lot on my plate, and I've never really been so great at prioritizing things I need for myself.  But, I'm going through a VERY difficult time at the moment (which I'm not going to discuss here, at least not yet), with lots of anxiety and emotional struggling, and both my therapist and my counselor have suggested journaling as a way of organizing my thoughts and expressing my emotions, as well as a self-care activity.  And, as she likes to remind me, I have to remember to take care of myself before I can take care of my family, so I'm going to give it another try

I'm also trying to make room in my life for other self-care activities, including crafting and exercising.  I love all types of crafting, including quilting / sewing, knitting, embroidery & cross-stitch, etc... but I swear, y'all, crocheting helps the anxiety like nothing else!  The stitch counting, the repetitive motion, the enjoyment, and the pride of the finished product all help to distract me & keep me calm when my anxiety levels start to rise.  Being a mom to 2 boys limits my "me time," but I find myself working at least a couple rows every night after I put them to bed, and it's so relaxing & a relief to get my mind off my worries.

I have the same limitation when it comes to exercising: I would love to be able to hit the gym everyday after work, but I have to pick the boys up from day-care, do dinner & bedtime routine, and of course, be there for them the rest of the night.  So, I really need to motivate myself to work out at home, or whenever the opportunity should arise (for example, ask my mom to listen to the monitor & squeeze in a lap around the neighborhood once the boys are asleep).  Anything is better than what I'm doing now - I have a bad tendency to "eat my feelings," and I've definitely been doing that WAY too much as I work through this current situation.  I'm hoping I can get myself to exercise my stress away instead of snacking when it hits...

I know this is a completely random time to make a resolution, start a new routine, or whatever you want to call it.  But, with the way I'm feeling lately, I figure anything is better than where I'm currently stuck.