Fat is Not a Dirty Word

I've been overweight my whole life.  No, seriously, I mean from day 1 - I was almost 10 lbs at birth (sorry, Mom!), and I've been heavy since then.  As a child, I thinned out a bit, as must kiddos do, but when puberty hit, the weight came right back!  Part of it is just my body type - no matter how much weight I lose, I would never be a skinny person, I have a large frame.  And a large part of it is that I have PCOS, a disease which causes hormone fluctuations and insulin resistance, both of which lead to weight gain.  So, even though my weight has fluctuated over my lifetime, I'm definitely destined to be a big girl.

Growing up, I struggled a LOT with my body image, my emotional state regarding my weight, and confidence issues.  Even as an adult, I've hated to look in the mirror, because I don't like what I see.  But, recently, the Body Positivity movement has gained a lot of momentum, and it's really made me think...  I should be PROUD of my body.  It gets me where I need to go, and it allows me to experience the smell of fresh cut grass, the sight of my sons playing together, the feel of my husband's loving embrace.  My body grew, birthed, and fed 2 beautiful children, and that is pretty freaking badass!  And yet... I see myself as "not enough," because my body is bigger than what I'm told it should be.

"Fat," in and of itself, is NOT a dirty word.  Society has attached a negative connotation to it, and, with the help of the diet industry and media outlets, convinced us all that it's basically the worst thing you could be.  But, really?  It's an adjective, people.  Nothing more.  Little kids in kindergarten spout off their opposites: stop/go, up/down, short/tall, big/small, skinny/fat.  At some point as we grow up, our peers teach us that "fat" is an insult.  Think about it - if I said to you, "oh, man, my hair is so brown,"  you would probably reply with some comment about liking brown hair or ask if I was thinking of dying it, or continue the conversation some other way.  But if I said to you, "oh, man, I'm so fat," the instant response would be, "no you're not, you're beautiful" (or something like that, depending on our relationship, lol).  NEWSFLASH - fat & beautiful are NOT mutually exclusive!  Being labeled as fat shouldn't be perceived as an insult, or as something to be assured I'm not.  It should simply be a descriptor, one which accurately tells someone what I look like.

To be fair, I struggle with this topic, too - I'm not saying anyone is a bad person if they do what I described above.  Honestly, it's society's problem, which we need to change through discussion & exposure.  Body Positivity is a concept I am working REALLY hard to learn & accept for myself.  For everyone else?  I'm 100% on board with it.  I see models on the Lane Bryant facebook, or fierce, fabulous fat girls walking around, or blogs & articles on this topic, and I am nothing but enthusiastic.  It's just taking some hard work for me to get there for my own body.  But it's important, and I'm determined to get there - and, more importantly, to teach my children a better way :)

Leave the Gun, Take the Cupcakes

What could possibly be better than a freshly baked, thickly frosted cupcake?  How about a freshly baked, thickly frosted cupcake stuffed with a cannoli cream filling?  That, my friends, is exactly what I enjoyed for my afternoon treat at the office today:)

My entire workplace has only 7 employees on staff, and as the Administrative Assistant, I've become the de facto "Social Chair."  I keep track of everyone's birthdays, and I arrange for the cake/treat to celebrate at our monthly staff meetings.  For April, we had two birthdays to celebrate, so I thought it was the perfect excuse to try this slightly-fancier cupcake recipe I've had on my mind.  

I'm SO far from a professional baker, it's not even funny...  I typically shy away from any recipe that has more than, say, 5 ingredients, and I almost never make anything from scratch.  This recipe was a great find, because it starts with cupcakes made from a box mix, then the filling mixes up in no time.  I baked just 12 cupcakes (and put the rest of the batter in a mini-cake pan for my boys to get a little treat, too), because that's all the filling recipe was for, and I have a small group to feed.  Just a side note, these were the most perfect cupcakes I've ever baked!  All smooth & rounded, not a single overflow... I was so pleased with myself, lol!

The filling is what makes these cannoli flavored, and boy, it does the job well!  So creamy and delicious, with the mini chocolate chips mixed right in, it would make a fantastic dip with sweet pita chips or graham crackers!  But that's a separate dessert... I mixed 15 oz ricotta cheese, 8 oz mascarpone, 1 cup powdered sugar, and 1 tsp vanilla together until well combined.  Then I folded in a cup of mini chocolate chips.  I actually added more powdered sugar at the end, too, because the consistency was too runny for my liking.  It's super important to let the cupcakes cool completely before moving on to the next step, so I stuck the filling in the fridge to let it thicken a bit.

When everything was cooled & ready to use, I got to do the fun part - cut a circle in the center of each cupcake & push it down, creating a hole.  Pipe the filling into the cupcake (I used a gallon ziploc with the corner snipped off) and over the top of the cupcake.  Ideally, you would swirl it around to make a high tower of cream, but for traveling purposes, I stuck with a flat layer.  After all 12 are filled, they go in the freezer for at least an hour, so the filling can firm up enough to be dipped.

Dipping the cupcakes was a bit nerve wrecking.  I was sure they'd fall apart when I tipped them, but the freezing really worked!  I melted 2 cups of dark chocolate chips with 3 tbsp of coconut oil, for a home made "magic shell" that gives the perfect crunch when you bite into the cupcake (use it on ice cream sundaes, fruit, anything...), and carefully dipped each cupcake.  It was late, and I had a migraine, so they didn't come out perfectly, but they did look delicious and charmingly homemade ;)

lost that 12th one in an unfortunate clumsy moment...

RIP, sweet friend

I was a bit disappointed that they didn't look exactly how I envisioned.  But my coworkers were impressed & appreciative, so that's a win in my book!  And how did they taste?  Mmmmmm...

Personalized Pillows

I have FINALLY finished the personalized pillows I've been working on for my boys!  I started the project months ago, in my rotation of WIPs (works in progress), but it got side tracked when I ran out of poly-fill halfway through stuffing the second pillow.  Once I finally got the chance to swing by the craft store & replenish my supply, I completed the project and was quite happy with the results.

I stumbled upon the pattern for these pillows on a crafting blog I follow, called Repeat Crafter Me.  Seriously?  Sarah, the creator of the blog, is a phenom with a crochet hook!  I obsess over her designs.  Luckily, she has a talent for making her beautiful projects novice-friendly, and I'm able to try my hand at most things she shares!  I highly suggest you follow her on social media, so you never miss a post :)

Anyways, these pillows aren't actually one of her own designs, they were published on the Yarnspirations website, here.  But, either way, I found them adorable & incredibly enticing as soon as I saw them!  I just knew A would LOVE them - he's just like me, and loves anything with his name or initials!  And of course L would need one, too, because they both have to have everything the same.  Lol.  So, I got my go-to yarn (Red Heart Super Saver ftw, baby!) in blue and green, and I started my new project asap!

I'm not going to lie, I was intimidated by the patterns at first.  I've never been taught how to read crochet diagrams, so sometimes I struggle with patterns that don't use written instructions.  I decided to start with the L, because it was more straightforward.  It turns out, though, that these diagrams are easy to read, none of the techniques are too fancy, and both letters were easier than I anticipated!  I was pleasantly surprised with how quickly the pieces worked up :)

I forgot to take pictures while I was making the L, but I did capture the step-by-step of the A, so here you go:

Following the patterns I linked to above, I made two of each letter.  Of course, this means that when you put them together, you'll have one with the Right Side facing out and one with the Wrong Side facing out, but because it's all single crochet, it's not really that big of a deal.  Even though the pattern didn't say to, I went around the entire perimeter of each letter with a single crochet border - I found it made the construction phase way easier!

One of two A pieces, ready to use

Next comes the gusset!  For those who may not know, this is the piece that gives height to the pillow, forming, like, the sides of it.  You could, in theory, just stitch the two pieces together, but then you'd have a flatter pillow.  The gusset makes it look more professional and cozier ;)  All you do is make a long piece, 10 stitches wide and as many rows as it takes to go around your pillow.  This is where that border on the letters comes in handy.  I counted those stitches, and crocheted that many rows - easy peasy way to get the size perfect!  Between the green L, the blue A, and my niece's cross pillow, I was crocheting gussets for days, y'all!

Something about the rolled gussets appealed to me...

this one was super long!

The final step is to put it all together.  Using a slip stitch, I connected the gusset to one of the letter pieces, all the way around.  Then I did the same thing with the second letter piece, leaving an opening large enough for my hand/arm to fit, so I could stuff the pillow.  It took Way.  More.  Filling.  than I anticipated, for reals!  Hence the running out halfway through the second letter...  but I wanted a nice, fluffy pillow, so I stuffed it super full :)  Obviously, once it's stuffed, the last thing to do is finish stitching around, to close up that hole.  You'll be left with a fluffy, cozy, awesome pillow.

Gusset attached to one side - you can see how it makes the inside space

Just as I was finishing up the last stitches to close the pillow, my son came in my room & lit up when he saw these!  He grabbed his and snuggled it up, then snatched up L's, yelled "I'll give him his!" and ran into their bedroom to sleep with them that night.  So, overall, I'd say they were a hit!

Crochet Cross

My sister's daughter is making her First Holy Communion next weekend, and I am SO excited!  Not only is she my niece, but she is my goddaughter as well, so I feel an extra special connection with her on this happy day - I'm very much looking forward to watching her receive Jesus into her heart, and to support her as she grows up in the Church :)

The boys & I will, of course, be travelling to Michigan to celebrate O's big day, and I wanted to bring her a present to represent the sacrament she's receiving.  So, I decided I'd make her a cross pillow.  She can (hopefully) keep it on her bed as a reminder to say her prayers at night, and as a symbol of Jesus's presence around her always.

I've been working on letter pillows for the boys using this pattern (more on those when they're all done), so I took that idea and created my own pattern for a cross:

I worked up two of these, in a creamy white color perfect for a First Eucharist.  They go quite fast, as they're straight rows of single crochet.  The only tricky piece is making the extensions for the side pieces - I chained out from the row then worked all the way across, because I wanted one solid piece, as opposed to sewing together different chunks.  The end result is a much cozier pillow to snuggle up to.  To add a pop of color, I chose a buttery pastel yellow for the gusset (that's the edge piece that gives the pillow its height).  That process is so easy - just straight rows of 10 single crochets til the pieces is long enough to go around the pillow shape.  I did the strips for the letter pillows at the same time, so I had rolls and rolls of crochet strips.

The last step to making the pillow is to simply slip stitch the gusset to the pillow around the whole edge, leaving an open spot to stuff the pillow with poly fiber filling.  I found it took a LOT more filling than I anticipated, but I wanted it to be full and fluffy.  Once I finished stuffing & stitching up the opening, I have a snuggly, cross shaped pillow to give to my precious goddaughter on Sunday.

Into the Night to Save the Day!

Any other PJ Masks fanatic households out there?  Both my boys love that show - A is obsessed, and L perks up when he hears it, too :)  So, when it came time to decorate their new, shared bedroom, this seemed like an obvious choice!  It was gonna take some work, though, to get the room to a kid's dream from where it started.

 the "before" room - white walls & a green carpet

I am not the kind of mom who goes all out in the kids' rooms, buying all theme-based items and spending a fortune.  Mostly because I know that what's loved today is forgotten tomorrow, and the boys will be wanting a different themed room pretty darn soon!  To keep it easy to change themes, we painted the room a neutral grey, and planned to use accent touches to get the PJ Masks idea across.  

those beautiful wood floors were a delight to find!

I painted letters in the PJ Masks colors to put the boys' names on the walls above their beds, and I splurged on two posters ($9.99 each on Amazon) to add some color.  We also got new, blackout blinds for the windows (because they are the difference between 6am wake-ups & 8 am wake-ups) and let A pick the night light for the room (it's Paw Patrol, not PJ Masks, but he picked it himself, so I'm coming to terms with it... lol).

L's crib is buried in storage... as soon as we can get it out, 

he'll have it in his room

 

 

When we showed the boys their room Friday night, they both LOVED it!  L just kept looking all around, and A was shouting, jumping up and down, and just overall being thrilled!  It made the work SO worth it, and made me feel pretty proud of my budget-friendly, DIY decorations :)

Happy Birthday, Hubs!

My wonderful, handsome, loving husband turned 30 years old yesterday.  I'm not sure how that's possible, because I'm pretty sure we were in high school just, like, last year, but... somehow it happened!  I, of course, am still clinging to the "I'm in my 20s" party line until October ;)

Our marriage has gone through a lot in the recent months, so I was EXTRA excited to celebrate this milestone for him.  A helped me with some of the projects (with cheering from L, of course), but I spent Wednesday evening after bedtime cooking, decorating, and prepping to surprise Daddy when he arrived Thursday morning:

"Cheers to 30 Years"

balloons, a clock from the boys, and a shirt for the birthday boy

"kiss your 20s goodbye" babe!

birthday breakfast - citrus biscuit knots & chocolate milk

A & L waiting for daddy to arrive

begrudgingly wearing his birthday shirt ;)

After breakfast with the boys, we dropped A at school... and spent an exciting morning digging through our storage units to find the boys' furniture (more on that project to come!).  Quite an awesome way to spend your birthday, right?  Nothing says "happy 30th!" like manual labor.  Luckily, my hubby is such an amazing, family-oriented man, he didn't mind one bit.  He even brought lunch to me at work later that day, instead of claiming birthday laziness rights, like I would do ;)

We picked A up from school together, then we had birthday dinner at Chili's.  Neither of us really likes that restaurant, but A has been dying to go there ever since they built it next to his daycare, so he was thrilled!  Lol.

family dinner!

Luckily, the birthday cake at home made up for the mediocre dinner - lemon cake with lemon icing from The Jefferson Pastry Shoppe.  The hubs loves anything lemon, and the boys like anything with icing, so it was a crowd pleaser ;)

All in all, it was a lovely day for my husband, with the celebration centered around family time, which is exactly what he asked for.  I'm so glad he had the day he deserves, and that we got to celebrate together!

isn't he just so handsome?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, y'all!  This used to be one of my favorite holidays - as a kid, my mom did fun little things for us to make it special.  In college, it's basically the biggest party day of the year, and I celebrated as hard as I could, and even as a young adult, I enjoyed my corned beef & cabbage dinner with more than a couple beers...  Once I became a mommy, the focus of this day shifted significantly.  Gone are my days of finding any excuse to get drunk, and now I'm thinking about how to help my boys make special memories of their own.

With everything going on in my life right now, my ambitious plans for the holiday didn't exactly pan out... it's tricky to do what I would normally do when I'm not living in my own house & there are a lot of other issues taking my focus...  Last weekend, I had planned on helping the boys make t-shirts with handprint shamrocks, like these

but we never made it out of the house on Saturday, and Sunday was a struggle just to get them to cooperate in the grocery store.  So, the shirts got scrapped (thank God for my sister, who pulled an awesome Auntie move & bought Aidan a shirt to wear to school today!).

I definitely should've gotten up early this morning to make a special breakfast, like the green pancakes I usually make every year

with green milk to go along with them.  

When I was a kid, my mother always dyed our milk green, telling us a tricky leprechaun must have stopped by while we were sleeping and left us the surprise!  It was always so exciting, and so fun... and I totally missed the boat this year :(

I figure, I can still salvage this holiday celebration, and do something super fun with Aidan after school tonight.  I had "pinned" this Leprechaun Bait snack mix a while ago, 

and I just know Aidan would love it for a yummy treat after dinner.  Plus, it's easy enough to do together, and he loves to help in the kitchen.  I'm sure ours will turn out just as pretty as that picture... yeah right!  But I AM sure ours will be delicious & the process will be a fun mommy-son time for us <3

Snow Day Project

We FINALLY had a Snow Day, y'all!  It only took us until mid-March, but who cares?  I got a free day at home with my boys :)  I always feel obligated to get a little something productive done on a Snow Day, as any mom does, so I did my laundry.  And I mean ALL of my laundry - seriously, I had ZERO dirty clothes by dinner time.  Of course, that lasted all of 30 minutes, until I changed my boys into their jammies, but... it was nice to be all caught up for once!  The main benefit of choosing laundry as my chore for the day is that it leaves a lot of time free to really enjoy myself - I spent my time in between mommying to complete a crochet project I've been excited about for a few weeks :)

I pinned an awesome "C2C Tote Bag" idea a long time ago, and I've been itching to try it ever since.  When I was organizing my yarn stash a few weeks ago, I noticed I had a large enough amount of a nice heather grey available, that I could try this out.  If you've never tried Corner To Corner (C2C) crocheting before, I highly suggest it!  It's nothing but hdc stitches, worked in blocks of three, creating a diagonally striped product.  I've used it before, like for my younger son's baby blanket.

(yeah, I couldn't resist this adorable newborn pic... Hi, Baby L)

So, for this project, I created a long rectangle of C2C.  You can make it any size you want, as long as the length is exactly three times the width.  So, for example, mine is 12" wide and 36" long.  Once that was done, I crocheted sc all around the edges, to give it a nice, finished look, and to make sewing it up easier:

Turning your rectangle into a bag just takes a little bit of fancy folding, but once you try it, I swear it's way simpler than it looks!  

You just sew up the seams (I like the ridge showing, but you could do an invisible seam, if you prefer.) on both sides, and the pouch portion of a tote is done!  I made a strap out of the same C2C stitch (sorry, I forgot to take a picture) and sewed it onto the bag.  Then, I added a bright pop of color around the edge of the bag, to make it one cohesive product.

I'm pretty sure this is my most favorite thing I've ever crocheted - it looks so clean, crisp, and (almost) professionally made, and it was super easy!  I've already started another one, experimenting with the size of the rectangle to make smaller (or bigger!) bags, and trying a different crochet stitch.  The possibilities are endless!

God is GOOD

...so, so, SO good, y'all!

I know it's been a long while since I've written, but I've been preoccupied with some WONDERFUL changes in my life :)  That big situation I was struggling with?  It's in the process of being resolved in the BEST way possible!  It took many therapy sessions, hours of self-examination, and a LOT of prayer, but I finally settled my mind & my heart to agree, and to hear God's will.

Getting to this point has been wonderful for my own emotions, as well as my kids' feelings, and has really cut down on my stress and anxiety.  It is so gratifying to feel happy again, and to see my boys feeling content & at peace.  I almost feel like I'm cheating in my Lenten goals, because I haven't been tempted to worry too much!  Lol.  Though, to be honest, I am still worrying here & there, and I'm trying my best to follow my plan - give it to God & focus on right now instead :)

I promise, I'll try to get back to posting regularly - and, hopefully, more fun stuff instead of the stressful topics I've been sharing before.  But right now, my 4 year old is doing something that makes a crashing noise in the living room & the baby is waking up from his nap, so I'm back on Mommy duty ;)

Lenten Goals

Ash Wednesday is just 2 days away, y'all, and I am so not ready!  Since my job is running the office in a Catholic Church, this is the BUSY season for me!  Most people assume it's Christmas, which is also very full, but Easter is the Main Event, and the various goings on of Holy Week require a lot of planning & preparation on my part.

Additionally, I'm preparing for this Holy season in my personal life.  I am working on exactly how/what I want to explain to A, since he's only 4 and some aspects of the Easter story a bit too over his head.  And, I'm planning my own Lenten goals, to develop my faith & deepen my relationship with God: I'm going to do an extended Novena for my situation, and I'm going to give up worrying for Lent!

Matthew 6:34 has always been one of my favorite bible verses:"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day had enough trouble of its own."  I've had an anxious soul since the day I was born.  Like, no joke, I can remember worrying when I was in elementary school about how I would pay a mortgage when I grew up!  I worry about smaller things, too, every day, and I get quite anxious about stuff if I can't stop the worry in its tracks.  I even get physically ill whenever I'm mentally/emotionally sick - I sometimes get headaches, and I almost always get nauseated & throw up.  My mother used to always tell me to "let go and let God" and I swear I tried... but I just always found myself taking stuff back from Him, to worry over it some more.

My struggles with worry & anxiety have only gotten worse over these last few months, as I find myself waking up everyday to fear of the unknown, worry about the future, and anxiety over the situation I find myself in.  I've been nauseated almost daily, and I've had 3 complex migraine episodes (which are usually few & far between, thank God).  As I've mentioned before, I've been praying a LOT, asking God for peace & patience, and it does help a bit... but I still find myself getting panicky more often than I would prefer.

In my internet searching for resources to help me navigate my current difficulties, I stumbled across this article about giving up worry for Lent.  At first, I was like, "yeah right!  How can I give up an intangible thing like that, something that is so ingrained in who I am?"  But as I read the article, I realized it's not necessarily giving up worry, but rather focusing on things I can control & on the current moment, and letting God handle the unknown.  I might still get a little stressed over how Aidan's friends are interacting with him at daycare today, or spend more than a few minutes wondering how I'm going to pay the bills due this week... but I'm going to try very, very hard not to let anxiety about my unknown future and what might be coming down the pike get me to the panicky point where I so frequently find myself.